Dear sir or madam (whatever the hell you are),

Please stay out of my rose bushes. I work very hard to take care of these roses and I don’t very well appreciate you running around naked in my garden. I understand you have a condition but that gives you no right to behave like a wild native. And another thing, could you please take a shower every once in a while? You smell like rat piss and the neighbors are starting to get suspicious. You know how Miss Weaselface is, always sticking her big honker in other people’s business. You know, she is really becoming quite unbearable, with her loud flower prints and her flamboyant flatulence.

So please, keep away from my roses or I’ll sock you in your double chin. Thanks!

Love,

Gladys Mcnattice